he other day a client of mine called me totally distraught. I could barely understand what she was saying through her tears. When I was finally able to calm her down she managed to explain why she was so distraught.
Apparently she and her significant other had been discussing the influence they’ve had on each other during the course of their two year relationship. Her significant other said something to her that not only shocked her but humiliated her. He said, “Since being in a relationship with her, he was able to think more clearly and logically”. Wow, she thought to herself, that was a total compliment. Feeling so emotionally honored by his comment, she revealed to him that “He helped her to become a better woman in the sense that she learned things about being a woman that she had never known before”. “Yea”, he replied, “You used to be a hoe when I met you, now you’re not”. “What?!” she replied. He looked at her as if to say yea I said it and I’m dead serious.
After this, my client was mortified and not able to function properly for the rest of the day, in fact for the rest of week. So when she called me, I really did not know what to say except for the fact that her boyfriend’s allegation was not only false but in fact deluded. I attempted to assuage her as much as I possibly could but to no avail. Although we ended the conversation in prayer, I kind of felt bad knowing that I was unable to alleviate her pain. As a life coach, it felt weird not being able to really help my client.
Funny thing is I could not stop thinking about this situation. A hoe wow, I thought to myself. A man definitely knows how to defile a woman and make her feel filthy. I knew my client was not a hoe. She is a great person, a good mother (an amazing mother at that), has a great career and in fact if you knew her you would think she was an upstanding human being. Okay she admitted that she had a past, and has done some things that she may not be proud of today but hey who doesn’t have a past?
A myriad of questions began running through my mind such as: If a man knows that a woman is a “hoe” when he meets her, then why on earth would he still pursue a serious relationship with her? Possibly to use her previous “hoe” status as leverage during arguments? Or does a woman's past dictate her future and in fact does it define her? Moreover, the question that truly intrigued me the most is: Can a hoe really become a housewife?
In order to properly analyze this and the other questions that interested me, I wanted to know the exact meaning of the word “hoe” so I "googled" the definition. A hoe is a derogatory slang term used in place of the word whore. By definition A whore is defined as a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; a prostitute.
There were two parts of this definition that caught my attention. The first is that by definition a whore is a woman instead of a person. The second part of the definition that was perplexing to me is a whore is not just a woman but a woman who engages in sexual activity for money.
Let’s discuss the first point. What puzzles me about the definition of the word whore is that it only describes a woman. Why does a woman receive condemnation for her sexual proclivities while when a man is involved in the same exact activities it is termed as, “sewing his wild oats”(The term sewing his wild oats refers to the wild and foolish things men do in their youth. Often assumed to have some sort of sexual meaning). Are women and men not both sexual beings? Why then is this double standard allowed to persist (A double standard being a set of principles permitting greater opportunity or liberty to one than to another, especially the granting of greater sexual freedom to men than to women.)? This information was just simply too much for me to digest to the point where my head began to hurt and I became really mad.
The second part of the definition that intrigued me was the monetary aspect. So if women have sex freely without compensation they're labeled sluts but with compensation they're labeled whores; go figure. I am sure that when my client's boyfriend called her a “hoe”, he was not implying that she was making money from her sexual activities. Rather, he was implying that she was a bit too free with herself sexually. Hence the difference in definition between whore and hoe (I guess).
The ideology of men being allowed to sow their wild oats during their youth while young women who engage in the same activities are labeled whores, led me to ask the question: Why are some young women more promiscuous than others? From my experience working with young adults, the following explanations became evident: Being a victim of sexual abuse; Not having her father or a father figure to teach and model before her the appropriate behavior and attitudes regarding relationships with men; Being exposed or introduced to sex in the wrong manner; Confusing sex for love... to name a few.
My suggestion to you reading this is the next time you see a young woman displaying inappropriate sexual behavior, instead of criticizing and judging her, you need to look past her behavior and see the innocent hurting girl who is probably screaming for love and attention. The reality of this situation is we often judge people without fully understanding the person or their circumstance.
Now back to this idea of double standard where sexually promiscuous men sow their wild oats while sexual promiscuous women are labeled as whores got me to thinking even some more: Why is this practice socially acceptable and how long has this been taking place? What greater place for me to gain clarity on this topic than in the bible.
In the book of John 8:1-11, you’ll find a story of justice, hope, redemption, and most importantly, love. While Jesus was teaching, the scribes and Pharisees dragged a woman to him they claimed had been caught in the very act of adultery. They asked Jesus, “The Law of Moses (Old Testament) commands us to stone her, what do you say?” Jesus’ answer was so profound. After writing God knows what in the sand while everyone looked on, Jesus replied, “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”, then he bent down and continued writing in the sand. One by one with stones in their hands the men began to leave beginning with the oldest. When Jesus looked up from writing, it had only been him and the accused woman still there. Jesus asked her, “Woman where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one Lord”. Then Jesus replied, “Neither do I condemn you; go and from now sin no more”.
Wow, now that was powerful! If Jesus, the son of the living God, who died for our salvation can forgive a woman of her promiscuous behavior then why on God’s green earth should we as women allow a man (or anyone else for that matter) define us by our past, judge us and condemn us? Notice after the woman’s accusers asked Jesus what they should do with her according to the Law of Moses; Jesus did not immediately answer them. Instead, Jesus began writing in the sand. Some have suggested that Jesus was writing the sins of her accusers in the sand (after all He would have access to the information). Also note here the older men began to leave first, probably because they have committed more sins since they’ve been alive longer (just my interpretation).
After writing in the sand Jesus responded to them by saying, “He without sin cast the first stone”, the scribes and Pharisees knowing that they themselves were not without sin could not justly condemn her. The same is true for today; you should not be worried about what others think because everyone has their own past issues (some current issues) they should be more concerned with.
Also, as a woman I am curious just to know: Where was the man the adulterous woman was caught in the act with? The double standard existed then that still applies today. The man and the woman both performed the act but the woman is solely condemned. The only difference then is Jesus was there in the flesh to defend and forgive her. Today Ladies you must know that although Jesus is not here in the flesh, he left the Holy Spirit here to comfort and guide us. Need proof, He says so in the book of John 14:26.
The following are bible references that attest to the fact that God uses and chooses who he wants to fulfill His will. (All Scriptures are taken from the New International Version translation of the bible)
Genesis 50:20: You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.
1 Samuel 16:17: But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
Isaiah 55:8:"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
Acts 10:34: Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism..."
Romans 8: 28: And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
1 Corinthians 1:27: But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.
These are just a few examples to prove that God does not use people (women) who everyone thinks He should or who are the most religious. Rather God uses those who have the right heart and among others things are most willing. So if you are like most women and you have a past but you know you want more for your future trust and believe that God will give you the desires of your heart, think it into existence and then have the faith to put your thoughts and your heart’s desire into action.
When you begin to have a more intimate relationship with God you will begin to learn that God does things in ways that we as humans are still baffled over. For example, in the first chapter of the book of Matthew we learn the genealogy of Jesus. In this genealogy three relationships stuck out to me.
First in verse 3, we see that Judah and Tamar were the parents of Perez and Zerah. I encourage you to read Genesis 38. There you will learn of the unconventional and possible fatal risk Tamar had to take in order to conceive children with her own father-in-law after both of her husbands died leaving her a childless widow.
In verse 5 of book of Matthew chapter 1, Salmon and Rahab are mentioned the parents of Boaz. Now Rehab is mentioned several times in the bible because of her courageous act of faith (Joshusa 2:1, 3, 6:17-25; Hebrews 11:31; James 2:25) but go back and read the 2nd, 3rd and 6th chapters of Joshua. In those chapters of Joshua you will learn that Rahab was a prostitute who helped Joshua and the spies conquer Jericho.
Then lastly in verse 6 of the book of Matthew chapter 1 we see that David and Uriah’s wife (Bathsheba) were the parents of Solomon. Whoa, please I beg you to read 2 Samuel 11 and you’ll learn that Bathsheba was the wife to one of David’s most loyal soldiers, Uriah (hence which is why in the genealogy of Jesus she is listed as Uriah’s wife and not by her name Bathsheba). After having an affair and getting Bathsheba pregnant, David could not conceal the pregnancy so he had Uriah killed during war. I know this is a lot to understand all at once, this is why I encourage you to read the suggested scriptures. Oh and just in case you’re wondering: No these examples were not taken from an episode of scandal or a soap opera; this is in fact written in the bible, the Word of God.
So if God can take these three different women at three different times in history, with their three different extenuating sexual circumstances (let’s not forget what Jesus did, for the woman accused of adultery in John 8:1-11; Mary Magdalene in Mark16:9 and Luke 8:2; and the Samaritan woman in John 4) and use them in His plan to bring forth His only begotten Son into this world who died for our salvation; Why are you in doubt about what He can do for you? Please stop living by what others think, feel and know about you. Instead, live by the Word of the living God.
Honestly, I’m at the point in my life where: I know that people always see me because my presence commands attention but I will never allow them to judge me because only God sees my heart and knows my true intentions. Or in the words of the late great Tupac Shakur: Only God can judge me. I could go on and on here but I won’t; in fact I can't you fill in the blanks. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So at the beginning I posed the question: Can a hoe become a housewife? After both my secular and biblical research I can confidently answer: Yes of course she can. In fact not only can she become a housewife, God will also use her in His plan to save souls, lives and ultimately humanity. So thank God for your past and trust Him with your future.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Remember: Be blessed so you can be a blessing to others
Elease, The Life Success Strategist